day number one1

It's no surprise that you have to try something different every now and then. It's no surprise that as you grow older, you grow up.; or at least are encouraged to / forced to / mind-bent into. I'm not in college anymore, but I don't think I'm quite the appropriate and politically correct grown up either. In between? (pssh, that seems a bit much cliche to accept.) I'm not happy with the former and not sure I'm ready for the latter. Relatively, the former is easy, the latter is important. College has been just a bunch of fucked up rendezvous, talking to people like you care about them, being best friends with people because they're your drinking partner, and sleeping with girls because... why not? It is transparent. Empty. An apparition that attempts volume but evaporates at the shortest sign of reality. Apparently that shit doesn't carry in the latter reality of us grownups.

The Bible says you can't serve two masters. Physics says you can't be in two places. Psychology probably says something about the fact that it's preferred for you not to be two people (please, no multi-personality bullshit comments). It all comes down to the inability to maintain two lifestyles. You can't seek something real while you're cluttering your life with the exact fucked up opposite. Do I even need to bother to phrase the question: "well, which one would you prefer?"

The issue is not preferring one over the other, but instead dropping one without the immediate pickup of the other. Once again the "in between" that can always be used as a proper excuse. Nobody wants to be empty. Alone. Without. But would you rather be cluttered with business that leads to nothing in the long run? Or sacrifice in the short for the possibility of what could build to something real. Does it even need to be "alone / empty" time? Ironically, it would be more filling to drop a small amount of real volume compared to a truckload of empty air.

Oh analogies, oh walkarounds. I am emptying my calendar. I am cleaning out and only pushing forward when there is purpose to. I am making a quasi-commitment to myself to not pursue situations with knowingly empty dead ends. I'm not going to waste another minute on something that doesn't deserve another minute..

I've mentioned many times before how time is the most critical thing to not be wasted. Money? Fuck it. It can always be overcome, or recovered. Time can't. If you are meant to live T years, and you spend half your life chasing after X... what happens when you realize at time T/2 that you X doesn't matter? Y is what matters. And unforuntaly it takes Z time to fully realize Y and it's super unfortunate, because Z > T/2.

How the hell are you supposed to know everything up front? You don't. You don't even realize the problem until you delve into it. It takes half the time figuring out whats going on before you direct yourself. I don't think there's any shortcut to that. Yah, it'd be great to be 100% convinced by some older, wiser person at a time before he realized it, but... once again, easier for him to be fully convinced after the fact than for you to be convinced blindly.

That's what this is. A journey of introduction. Experimentation.. and potential Discovery.