mistake acceptance

Here I am thinking. Again. Like I've always been, and yet like I've never been before.

Life will never repeat itself exactly, but it does follow patterns. Similar situations; new details. Similar problems; new people, new effects, and new results. It's funny. There's no single uniform solution to "solve" it. No single cure. I'm not completely sure. With similar situations, you just have to adapt similar previous solutions. Adaptation: I think that might be it. Learn how to adapt previous lessons into new situations.

My mom used to always say my life motto would be "always make new mistakes". A funny little way of saying that you won't always be lucky enough to avoid mistakes, but at least you can be smart enough to avoid repeating the same ones. But that could be a little bit easier since life always throws new situations, new problems, and new potential mistakes at you to be made. So, avoid similar mistakes too. Avoid old mistakes. Avoid similar mistakes. Make crazy, new, unique ones... if you have to make them (which you do).

I wish I could share some of my new life mistakes; however, it's been unfortunate that I don't make them anymore. That's right. I've cleared that area of my life last month. Pssh, yah right. Things are going pretty well though. I will let loose more tomorrow on one of "my life" posts: the fun ones with the new people, new situations, and new details, as described as above... Those are the best and worst posts I have, anyway.

Guitar Post

I'm pretty sure I enjoyed my weekend. Although it bothers me that I am unsure of my feelings.

I have my actuary exam in 10 days. Six fucking months of studying and it all comes down to 3 hours on a Wednesday morning. Pass or Fail; no in between. Important moments in life are normally binary like that. Right or Left, This or That, One or Zero.

There will be an overwhelming space of time opened up after this is through. Regardless of the outcome. Let me be cliche real quick and acknowledge that I have realized what people mean when they say "time is precious" ... There's so much to do, and it all requires time. Whether you want to invest your time into studying or reading or learning anything, it requires time. Even if you fuck up and put your time to a use that doesn't work out, you've gotta do something. Idle is the worst.

Take a risk. Don't do nothing.

I am tempted to invest time and money back into playing poker. Not just fucking around for entertainment, but actually learning. Being good at poker is a stair step progress. There are different levels of skill, and I have been stuck at the same level since early college years. That's when I last invested time into playing. If I want to ever improve, I've got to get back to the grind. Read, play, think, learn. It could end up a total flop, but... take a risk, right?

I also started a new book How We Decide. That's another thing I want to do... tear through my bookshelf. I finally finished Fountainhead after what seems like forever. Great book, but I'm happy to pick up a new one.

Okay, I'll go ahead and write about the one thing I want to write about: I'm taking a trip up to Michigan this Fall to see a girl I met this Summer. I feel like I'm in middle school again talking to her. It's not that it's uncomfortable talking with her, it's just different. There's been too many girls that you don't really care as much about that you're more care free. If you say something dumb to them or mess up, no biggie. Here, I don't want to mess anything up.

Really, I'm likely overplaying how big of a deal this is to start with. I have a terrible habit of building things up way more than they are before they even happen. It's not optimism, but it's kind of like brainwashing yourself. If you keep telling yourself one thing, it'll become true... in your head. That's gotta match what's actually going on though.

My guitar is getting better.

Time Continuum

Sunday is the most popular day to return to writing. It makes sense, kind of. Typically, you don't have as many obligations, you need something to fill your time, and events from the past week/ weekend are still rummaging through your head and I prefer to vent them out. Or at least that's the case with this Sunday.

I re-read my previous posts (which takes like 5 minutes to do), and I can remember thinking and feeling what I was talking about. I'm happy to say that on some accounts, I've followed through with issues that were bothering me then. I was mad at myself for always planning way too much and never traveling or doing fun things in the present. Well, I took a trip to Boston in May and that was a blast. I have another trip to DC in September and I hope it to be the same. I remember somebody telling me once that it's a skill to be able save money; however, it's also a skill to be able to spend it. So I'm trying to be smart and strategic with my money, but I'm also making sure to 'pay myself' and have fun in the meantime. So far, so good.

I wish I had more time. You'll always hear people getting old and looking back and saying "there's so much more I should have done in my life", but... that's just inevitable. You can only do so much, and you can only distribute your time and resources to so many things. I want to be good at golf. Not like professional good (obviously), but I've been dedicating a lot of time and money to learning, practicing and playing. I also want to continue this actuarial exams. This, also, requires a LOT of time studying and preparing for exams. I also want to play poker and read and travel and train for a marathon and be with friends and do a million other things, but you can really only do so much. So, if I end up dedicating my time to golf and exams and friends and whatever else, there's always going to be something that will be left out. So when I get older and look back at my life and what I've done, I will try my hardest not to say "I wish I could have done that thing". Because apparently I don't. It all comes down to making sure you're selecting the right things to spend your time on, and ideally that will lead to looking back at life and saying "I'm glad I did this thing"

back-ish

Yah Yah... I'm just going to have to accept the fact that I'm going to post in swings! I'll get motivated to write, I'll write, and then I'll go do something else for a while. Then I'll feel like such a bum for breaking my "stay and write" goal, so I'll stay not writing.. Well, fuck that. i'll do my best to keep writing when I have good stuff to say.

I deactivated my Facebook too. That felt really good! I've been contemplating it since I graduated in December, but thought I simply couldn't do without it.

Well.

I can.

I've spent more time reading, studying and playing guitar since that's been gone, which is totally preferred to sitting online and talking to random old 'friends' who I would really be just as fine doing without. So, that's that!

life: a matter of perspective

I have two credit cards, now. I never had any during college; I figured it didn't make much sense to compile easy debt when I had zero means to pay for it (that's what student loans are for, I think). But now I have them, and I think I'm scaringly astonished by their magic. It's like the same thing as using a debit card, without the deductions from your bank account. Right? Yah, well... I'll see the other side of it when I have to 'actually' pay for it.

So, I have two credit cards. And I have a job. And I drive to work every day. even tomorrow. I know I went all through this last time, but I'm still not over the whole thing. The whole "grown up" routine thing, that is. Blegh, I think I'm making too big of a deal about it - kind of fun though.

Ironic though. Ironic is probably the wrong word here, so... I'll adjust it to "a weird translation of perspective". Yes, 'ironic' was shorter. I went out last Saturday to meet a friend up for a few drinks, and we were talking to some girls, and to them 23 was young. Ha... what? I guess to a 25-27 year old, 23 is young. But, at the same time, to a 20-21 year old in college, 23 is old. But here comes the question: what about to a 23 year old... Then what am I? Well, I'll still just settle for the answer of 'here'.

I get paid Friday! First paycheck. First signing bonus. First time in the last ~4 years I'll actually have some money. Want to hear some more fun irony: it's also the first time in the last ~4 years that I've got lots planned out to pay for. Insurance, student loans, all my rent, bills, utilities, payments promised back to my parents for recent things etc etc etc.

Oh man, this wheel never stops. Sometimes, I guess you just keep on rolling.

Staying in touch (?)

It's just one of those weird feelings weekends. I'm trying to shake it off, but sometimes you just have to pursue through it and get it over with. I tried working out, running, showering, playing some guitar, and listening to some of my favorite music, but this whole mood just envelops me. I even tried slapping myself, but that proved ineffective and quite stupid.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about "friends" I've made throughout the past. Some of these "friends" are friends. Good people whose company I enjoy, and the type of people that I hope to keep in touch with in the future. People who I care about, and whose weddings I would hope to attend, and who I would have over for a grill out and genuinely appreciate conversations with. As makes sense, these friends take make up a small % of my "friends". (Especially when you use the term "friend" as meaningless as those on facebook (limitless) and those in your cell phone (which now can contain like 500+ contacts!)). So when you come to a transition in your life, which I am encountering now, what do make of all those other "friends"?

Do you do nothing and just let things settle into how they'll be? I mean... I want to delete my facebook and change my phone number! It's not that these people did anything wrong; however, I just have the inclination to cut ties with people with whom I have no purpose to have ties with. God, I feel like an asshole now, but this has just been boggling my head lately.

A better way to put it: I would prefer to sincerely invest my thoughts, feelings, and future with people whom I care about then having thousands of contacts with whom I maintain minimum contact, care, or feelings towards. (I feel better saying it this way).

I hope this weekend turns around... I've been having such a good week too.

Ramblings

"growin up" is a strange concept. (I can already tell this post is going to a rambling roll of unrehearsed lines.) Most people are always striving for some thing in the future. Just think... when you were a kid... what were you aiming for? You would look up to your dad (or mom, ladies) and imagine that one day you would one day be that guy, that adult, that someone who was incredibly important! You would wear your leather soled shoes and iron pressed pants and lean into the mirror to perfect the knot in your tie. You would one day have a brief case full of 'extremely important documents' and drink coffee. One day you would get into your very own car and drive wherever you pleased when you pleased. You could eat fast food at your will or spin your own dinners. You were so awesome, and so in control. Now, run the clock forward for one to two decades...

When does one stop looking forward or looking backward and look down... here and now? Why is it so difficult to appreciate this moment? Admit: I am an extreme planner. Initially I would consider it one of my strengths, but that can easily be a weakness? Set aside the fact that I have excel spreadsheets with my projected budget for the next 6 months. Set aside the fact that I 'think' I know where I'll be next February, and I am already concerned with plans after that. Fuck that man! Sometimes you can hate your self-defining habits? Granted I don't want to be some airy hippy go lucky person who doesn't believe in any of that, but... I want to live now. If you don't, when will you?

My lack of living: I will always be bugged by my lack of travel. Post-highschool, I was supposed to go to Europe with my brother and sister. I said I was. I didn't. No one ended up going. I was more concerned with financing my college degree, which in part, seems responsible, right? Fast forward: then I wanted to study abroad in college! Fun. But shit, it costs more, and I was already interning alternating semesters, so it didn't really fit in to "my plan". To say the least, I didn't. Well, then I had 2 months between college and commencing work. I should visit my buddies up in DC or Boston, or down in Florida. Yet, once again, I find some reason holding me back, and here I am. I had a few job offers coming down to two main: 1) located here in GA, 2) consulting job requiring lots of travel. Which did I take? ... I tell myself I want to travel, but shit, do I?

I warned that this was going to be a ramble... "growing up" tangents right into "traveling" (or lack of). Oops. I don't know. I guess the ramling summary is this:

>> Figure out what it is that you want to do..

>> Figure out the type of person you want to be...

>> Do it now...

>> Be it now...

Easier said than done.

Life 2.0 Encore

I'm completely uncertain whether it's the lack of commitment, or just the lack of a built habit. Regardless, I'm back for an encore, and I'm taking wagers on how many posts this rebound will last! The over/under line is posted at 4.5. Eh, at least I got a goal now to bust all you non-believers.

Let's see... what's happened since August 2009? Well, my entire final semester of college, but that's about it. That shit consumed me. (A-ha, I think I just sherlock holmed the mystery as to why I stopped posting.) Well, if that's the case, then the break-offs should cease. But it was one hell of a roller coaster semester. It was partially awesome, busy, long, poor, stressful, eager, uncertain, annoying, and a little fun. There's not too much good gazing in the rear view though, so... I think that will be my summary of the last semester. Detailed enough?

I'm now a working guy. Oh shit. My whole body just dropped and I felt at least 16 years older. When you're 23 and in college, you can fuck around, do stupid shit, and there's seemingly no real serious consequences. It seems so different now though. Don't get me wrong -- I can guarantee you I'll still do stupid shit (it's my nature), but it just seems like a completely different life: Life 2.0... I hope I do well in it?

Well, there you have it: I left for school, but I returned for a new Life 2.0 encore. At least for ~4.5 posts, we hope.